Monday, bleh
After 46 years away from using my birth tongue of Portuguese. I decided, for real this time, that I was going to pain my way back into the language. I have been hoofing through Pimsleur lessons in the least elegant way ever. You may have at one time in your therapy been challenged by a feelings wheel, to help you increase your language around emotion. Today, I could fill in every spot on that damn thing; scared, humbled, frustrated, shy, invigorated, and more unforgiving than any overbearing, overpaid, spitting angry coach. I promise you that I can throw a fit or a chair over my mistakes much better than Bobbi Knight.
Many couples get very discouraged as they try to make changes in their interactions and it doesn’t come easy. In the therapy room, the connection task seems so simple. Just do the thing, right?
When we try and it does not go as planned, we often cave inwards on ourselves. We are so tuned to the approval of our partner and fearful of their response especially when the relationship is struggling. In those moments, we fail to be there for ourselves.
In therapy I may talk about this as a shame response. Shame is pernicious and it takes work to retrain our responses. If we have not done a shame profile to understand your personal shame style, please let me know. It will help your awareness of how shame may be interfering in your relationship.
When your personal Coach Knight shows up and criticizes you for how and why and the way you did the thing, my dream for you is to move quickly into compassion for yourself.
What does that mean and how do I do it?
It may look like this.
Step away from the moment. Go to the restroom, outside or a quiet space. (I am a fan of closets for personal work)
Find a physical gesture that feels soothing.
A self hug where you reach as far across yourself as you can in a firm embrace
Rocking back and forth on your toes rhythmically
A firm press with both hands to your chest
Humming
Rubbing your hair
Cupping your face in both hands
Holding yourself firmly around your waist
Rotating your shoulders slowly
Tracing your face with fingertips gently while closing your eyes
Putting lotion on your hands with a gentle massage
Speak kindly to yourself.
Some people find this easier if they summon the image a person other than themselves. This can be anyone who has embodied kindness in your life or mind.. Mother Teresa, your grandmother, a teacher, Jesus, or a pet.
Oh, I see you my friend.
I am here for you.
You are suffering in this moment.
You will move through it.
I love you.
The specific words do not matter, but it can be help to have a script even if it feels awkward. And when you are done, you move back into your day. You are building muscle slowly. You are interrupting patterns, reprogramming the moment into one of more connection.
You are learning a new language of compassion and self-love.
Ah, vejo você, meu amigo.
Estou aqui para ajudá-lo.
Você está sofrendo neste momento.
Você passará por isso.
Eu te amo